How to grow out your hair, and then cut it all of yourself  | Lauren Reitzel

How To Play the Victim How to grow out your hair, and then cut it all of yourself  

  1. Start with hair down past your chest. Long and blonde and a little bit damaged, a reflection of how you might feel.Even with barely noticeable damage, you and the long blonde hair are still standing though, of course, still okay enough to keep going, keep growing it out. So you’ll do just that; keep going on the path that you’re on. Grow out your hair just a bit longer. Ideally, to the length you’ve wanted it to be for your whole life: just down to the middle of your back. But this time, you have to keep up with it. Last time when you got close to reaching the Dream Length, you cut a whole six inches off because you and your boyfriend broke up. You decide you’re committing to the long haul this time 
  2. Start dating one of the boys in your friend group. He’s probably the best of the bunch who’s single, and you feel like you’ve moved on from your ex enough that it’s okay to bring someone new into your life! But seriously, you need to convince him, yourself, and your friends that he’s what you need to become whole, that he’s what you’ve been looking for your whole life. He’s your soulmate. You matter to each other. His love touches you in a way that you never thought was worldly possible. Put on a good show. Get good practice at it. That’ll be important at steps 8-12. 
  3. Break up with him; it’s not your fault you feel the way you do, no matter how poorly the situation was executed. 
  4. Get your hair trimmed to keep it healthy. Healthy hair grows out best when the ends are all cleaned up every couple months.
  5. Get back together with your ex-boyfriend, (but not boy #1)(the one you’ve been hung up on the entire time you dated your friend) two days after your relationship with boy #1 ends. He punches a wall in front of you and all your friends because you broke his heart; not knowing how to process your emotions is understandable, but luckily, he just cuts his hair the next day, clearly holding a strong handle on all of it. Coping with his feelings in a healthy way is the only way to describe it.
  6. Get a conditioning treatment done on your hair. All this stress can’t be good for your looks, especially your hair, and keeping it healthy is the most important part of growing it out. 
  7. Have no choice but to breakup with boy #2 (that one ex-boyfriend, who’s going to be an ex again). Doesn’t matter which reason you choose as long as you get him out of the picture. But of course, don’t break up with him until you already started leading on another one of your guy friends: boy #3. Another character you’re dragging into the narrative of your unsustainably low self confidence. Another character who didn’t plan on getting hurt. But it’s not your fault you feel the way you do, no matter how poorly this situation continues to be executed.
  8. Boy #3 is now your boyfriend. 
  9. Purchase a 4 pack of silk pillow-cases off of Amazon. Why? They prevent hair damage while you’re sleeping (cotton isn’t up to par) and boy #3 says he likes the feel of the satin on his cheek.
  10. You continue to stay in touch with boy #2, why would you end such a good friendship over something as miniscule as a breakup?
  11. The brown roots are growing out and the blonde highlights are starting to fade. A trip to the salon to only clean up the roots shouldn’t damage your hair further, and will keep your hair looking fresh. Be careful though, weigh the pros and cons; which is really worse? Brown roots or color damage to your hair project that will inevitably set you back? Don’t let the situation dissolve, that’s the last thing you need right now.
  12. Convince Boy #3 into believing that he’s crazy for thinking that you’re not over boy #2. Because it is crazy. It is absolutely ridiculous to even suggest that, even though the two of you talk constantly, and you’re extremely jealous that he replaced you as his prom date last minute. You heard that she’s just a little bitchy anyways so nothing you can’t compete with. But either way, it doesn’t matter if she’s bitchy, or if she’s a saint. You finally found the boy you need to become whole, your soulmate. You matter to each other. His love really does touch you in a way that you didn’t think was worldly possible. And you really believe it; so it doesn’t matter that boy #2 replaced you the second you two were done. Nothing about him matters at all when you have a guy like boy #3. He’s the one.
  13. Boy #3 will tell you that he loves you, that the world is brighter with you in it, that he can’t believe he found what he’d been missing, just hiding in plain sight right in front of his eyes. You’re blown away that you’ve finally found love; he’s what you wanted for the past 17 years. 
  14. Don’t wash your hair every day. Allowing the natural oils of your hair to nourish the scalp, shaft, and ends of your hair will be extremely helpful. This is the tip you’ve missed out on for the past 17 years. From now on, instead of washing your hair every day, it’s now going to be every third day. 
  15. Break up with boy #3; it’s not your fault you feel the way you do, no matter how poorly the situation was executed. And also, you have plans with boy #2 this weekend and you have to get rid of boy #3 before (otherwise it’s not right, it’s not fair, and it’s not okay. Because waiting 12 hours to hook up with your ex that you told your boyfriend to not worry about is better than any overlap).
  16. Now that your hair has some decent length to it, you’re going back to the salon to get layers. Layers are a nice way to add some dimension and movement to the hair, rather than keeping it stagnant at just one length. The small change is all you need to feel like the casualties piling up are far enough in the past to continue doing what you’re doing.
  17. Hook up with boy #2 until he cheats on you (again) (and it’s definitely cheating because you definitely told him you two were going to be exclusive for the summer). Boy #3 catches word of you being single, but he’s still mad at you. Since he’s still mad at you, you have to butter him up a little bit. It’s the only way to take advantage of the fact that he never got over you, and would drop any girl with a pulse to take you to homecoming that fall. A month is enough time for him to get over everything, right? 
  18. Boy #3 tells you he’s still in love with you after you two hookup at a party. You tell him you feel the same way. Congratulations, you now have a date to the homecoming dance. 
  19. Boy #1 reminds you once more that you broke his heart, and he wishes you two were dating instead of his current girlfriend. You make a mental note of this and plan to revisit it once you tied up the loose ends with Boy #3.
  20. Utilize heat protectant on the ends and shaft of your hair when you do your hair for the dance. Even if you don’t use heat on your hair that often, it’s still important to protect against any further damage that could occur. 
  21. Attend the homecoming dance with boy #3, ignore him the whole night because you have started to like another boy in your friend group (boy #4, who is going to the dance with your friend. Why should the fact that she’s his date stop you? It could be true love.). You hook up with boy #4 at his date’s (your friend’s) house while boy #3 ask people at the party if they’d seen you.
  22. Your friend tells the school that you’re a whore.
  23. At this point, blonde doesn’t suit you anymore. You aren’t the same. You feel like she singled you out. She’s made an example of you just because she’s jealous of you and boy #4. You don’t deserve it. And to help keep your hair healthy, you get it trimmed up and filled with lowlights. To suit the narrative being portrayed about you.
  24. Boy #1 and boy #3 agree that you are a horrible person who deserves every bad thing you have coming your way. They even stated that you have no regard for people’s feelings. That all you know how to do is use other people for your own gain. For your own selfish reasons, but beyond that, nothing genuine has ever come out of your mouth. 
  25. Your best friend asks you if you’ve thought any of this through. Of course you have, you’ve put all this time and effort into growing out your hair to the length that you’ve always wanted it to be, you just want it to be a little edgier now.
  26. Boy #4, your boyfriend for about five minutes, breaks up with you because he feels like your relationship has caused too much drama, hurt too many people, and been too much to keep up. You’re too much to keep up with. 
  27. You’ve officially decided that you need to change your hair. Boy #4 pushed you over the edge, but the Barbie Blonde is probably too much to keep up with anyways. Everything about you is too much to keep up with.
  28. Prime your hair to bleach it. You don’t recognize the person you’ve become anyways so you need to make a change. Apply the box hair bleach. Apply the toner. Wash it off.
  29. Feel horror at the perception that everyone has taken of you, the sides they picked. You didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Really. It was all a mistake. A misunderstanding. You didn’t know what you wanted, and that’s not your fault. They were good friends with you; they should’ve known that. This is your friend’s fault for blowing your actions out of proportion. It’s not fair to be serving a punishment that doesn’t suit the crime.
  30. Feel horror as the burnt pieces of the ends of your long locks fall off into your hands. 
  31. Feel horror as you remember that you barely can show your face at school as it is, let alone with once beautiful hair now gone to shit. It’s not fair that this happened to you. Any of it. It’s not deserved. 
  32. Divide your hair into two sections. One on each side of your head. Place the scissors just above your shoulders of the first section. Cut it all off.
  33. Repeat on the other side.
  34. Feel horror as you wonder how you got here; so far from where you began, and even further from where you wanted to end up. Loveless and alone, a character created for you who receives no viable ounce of sympathy, a character you don’t want to be.
  35. Cry yourself to sleep.
  36. Trim up your jagged barber skills the next day at Great Clips. Your hair is now just above your shoulders. You hate it just about as much as you hate yourself.
  37. Repeat the entire process again. Give or take a few steps, but you really do repeat it again.


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